Left to my own devices

[meirwen_1988]

Left alone with nothing to deal with except the kitties and puppies my body tends to want to go back into it's own natural rhythm, which means to bed around 1, read a bit, wake up around 8, 8:30 (yes, that means I slept a bit). It's a nice, normal adult pattern--just a bit short of the Dr. recommended 8 hours of sleep. Problem, of course, it that it doesn't conform very well to societal norms, nor the realities of my own teaching schedule. The alarm went off less than 4 hours after I fell asleep, since when I put the book down and closed my eyes my head started running--unfinished business, missing him. *Le sigh.*

I realized that I'd been "okay" this weekend, but then I also realized that it was mostly due to really effectively avoiding anything that would push me over the edge. Partly it was the interventions of good friends who either came over, got me out of the house, or who called (so my thanks to all of you, whether I returned your calls [didn't akshully] or not). But that wasn't all of it--just the healthy part.

There's also the part I'm not sure was all that healthy. I'm sort of impressed at my own unconscious ability to filter experience. I was able to talk about him, fully acknowledging his absence verbally, but looking at anything of his, any images of him...nope. Didn't happen. Which is quite a trick in this house. Oh, I'm sure my eyes passed over them, but I managed to not have any of it "register." Maybe it's a self defense mechanism, and that's okay, but I also know that this will likely come back to bite me. I'm far too aware of what happened the last time I hyper-compartamentalized. And I'm also very aware where the whole avoidance behavior comes from.

And I begin to suspect that the "anger" everyone has told me will come is checking out the lay of the land. That is not going to be good, because there is really no one, nothing, to direct it at. No one to blame. Not even God. Just not how I look at the universe. But those pesky emotions tend to have their way, ya know? So I might do what is often the case, and direct the anger inward. That'll be toxic. I have little faith in the idea that being aware of the issue, problems, etc. will actually result in averting the issue, or even really mitigating it. Frell.

Then, of course, there is the rest of it. Does going through a day not crying mean...? Or is it just the body's way of responding to all the days of last week when if I sat for more than a minute in silence that the tears seeped steadily from the corners of my eyes?

It is when these doubts creep in that I remember what a dear friend wrote in the early days of my trying to get on with all of this. She said that no one could love another person more than he loved me. And that makes me remember how it was.

For a moment, the doubts are gone, and the tears come, for the beauty that was, for all that is lost.

And I remember why I'm trying to get better. Why I keep going. That healing, that laughing, are the only gifts I can give him. The only ones he would really want.

Comments

[unique_name_123]

*hug*. You are still loved.

[damedini.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[baronernst.livejournal.com]

It's going to be a roller coaster ride, Love. There will be good days and bad days; two steps forward, one step back. You'll go through entire days feeling semi-normal and convince yourself you're over the hump and coming out of it, then suddenly it'll all crash back in again. Expect those. Don't be too upset when you feel like you're slipping backwards and don't revel in the really "good" days. The best you can do is search for some form of equilibrium.

As for over-thinking it, the emotions will often win out over logic and intellectual introspection. You're strong yet at the same time feel somewhat frail - it's okay.

Besides you are so loved by so many that you can always holler for help and a plethora of people will appear. You've already seen it happen.

I'm too far away to show up at your door step but nonetheless you're never far from my heart, neither you nor Ro.

Love you both.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[briony530.livejournal.com]

*hug*

I think the filtering is entirely healthy. It's your mind's way of not picking at the scar until it is healed a bit more.

I know it's hard...you're an analytical and very self-aware person...but don't think to much about it. Your higher mind knows what to do to heal. If it keeps up to the point where it is hindering you, I think you'll know. Or someone will tell you.

[dwolfhunter.livejournal.com]

[dwolfhunter.livejournal.com]

HUGS

[campagnella.livejournal.com]

everyone does things their own way, there is no conforming to a standard.

You have good days, you laugh, smile.. those are great, fantastic.

Bad days happen too. But just because we call them "bad days" doesn't mean they are. They are healing days, remembering days.. they are positive for your overall health.

You are you... we love you for that.

[ariannawyn.livejournal.com]

You know, the first time I saw you after Johan's death was at Malcolm & Tessa's second coronation the following spring. It was my first big event without him, and a lot of people I hadn't seen in a while thought it necessary to give me their condolences. It was tremendously stressful, because I had to keep talking about him, over and over, which meant I had to *think* about him, which was the last thing I wanted to do that day.

You were one of the few people who understood that I really wanted to just be me, and mostly normal, at a normal event. We sat for a while and chatted about music and my kids and the event, and the closest you ever came to mentioning Johan was to say "You doing ok?" It was a wonderful gift, to be able to pretend to be normal for a little while. Pretending everything is ok is what allows things to be at least a little ok for those moments.

I guess what I'm saying is, don't worry about engaging in avoidance or denial from time to time. You cannot weep all the time - it's wearing and unhealthy, for both mind and body. Being a little happy now and then is not a betrayal of your mourning. As you said, HE would not want you to be nothing but sad.

I'm glad you had a better weekend. *hugs*

[wldrose.livejournal.com]

I think part of the reason Diablu and I got to know each other much better was since we were going though a lot of the same stuff we didnt have to pretend, neither of us had the strength to pretend and with each other we found rest and comfort.

He would be asked how he was doing and he would say fine and move on in his words "my smile is really good" but it was all an act. I on the other hand gave less of a dam how others felt, and most often would say "as well as can be expected" and on bad days they got "How the hell do you think im doing" (ok that was channeling WUlf)

ariannawyn made a good point about the relief of normalcy.

But if you know that you may turn your anger inward than perhaps we can help with that, to undersand how to be gentle with your self. And the anger that many of us think you may face is not twords god or others but at him. But in the end you may not get angry mouring is truly personal.

Ash