meirwen_1988: (Roses)
IMG_0147

Tonight as I was walking from my room to go downstairs I caught the sight of the moon in the huge triple window high on the wall in Morguhn's bedroom.

In other days, we would lay in bed, sometimes nestled together, or holding hands, talking, or drifting off to sleep bathed in moonlight as Diana rose and traveled across the window, her view dappled by leaves in three seasons, or, as tonight, broken by the dark shadows of the bare maple limbs, like a steel point engraving, or a German Expressionist landscape. Beautiful, and stark, and leaving us full of wonder. It seemed impossible to quarrel, or even be cross on those nights. In the face of so much beauty all we could do was be grateful for each other, for love, for beauty.

So, to try to preserve...I don't know...the memory of those wonderful times, I carried a stool into his room, and stood on it with my iPhone, and tried to capture the window. But the moon was too bright, the contrast too deep, for even the remarkable camera in the phone to capture. Instead it is blurred where the moon was a perfect white sphere, clean-edged and brilliant. The limbs that were drawn with the pen's precision have the soft edges of the painter's brush, or the blended lines of the batik artist.

It is a beautiful photo. I can look at it and be glad I took it, and treasure it. But it is not the image I was trying to capture, no more than the view was a view we shared. It is like, but not the thing itself. It is itself. A thing of beauty, as were the others, but not what I reached for, which like the moon, remains eternally beyond my grasp.
meirwen_1988: (Torn)
...that two years ago tonight was the last time I feel asleep with a strong arm wrapped around my waist...

warm lips kissing me goodnight...

and a gentle hug when I awoke from a bad dream only dimly remembered.

It is lonely here.

May 4, 1991

May. 4th, 2010 07:35 am
meirwen_1988: (Roses)

Tonight

May. 3rd, 2010 11:19 pm
meirwen_1988: (Thoughtful)
"Looking back
on the memory
of The dance
we shared
beneath the stars above,
For a moment all
the world was right.
How could I have known
you'd ever say goodbye.
And now
I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
the way it all would go.
Our lives
are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance.

Holding you
I held everything
For a moment
wasn't I the [queen]
But if I'd only known
how the king would fall
Hey who's to say, you know,
I might have changed it all.

And now
I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
the way it all would go
Our lives
are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss
the dance.
Yes, my life
is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
but I'd of had to miss
the
Dance."

--Tony Arata
meirwen_1988: (Torn)
Tonight is one of those clear, cold nights, and as I looked up at the sky, standing in the silver light so bright I could read by it, I heard in my head "Then look for me by moonlight,/Watch for me by moonlight,/I'll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way."

I went inside to let the pugs out. Their kennels are in what was the bedroom. At the top of the loft is a big, multipaned window that is just the right height to let the moonlight stream through and fill the room, sometimes so bright it made it hard to sleep. He said he'd watch sometimes, while I slept, bathed in moonlight.

Nineteen years ago tonight I was carefully stitching lace to white silk, pleased there was a week to go before it was to be worn: for a change, I was going to be done before the last minute.

Tonight is full of memory. The wheel turns, as the wheel wills.
meirwen_1988: (girlhawk)
Today's forecast--Sunny. Great fighting weather. Prediction of feasting, laughing, and music this evening.

Today's fighting highlights:

11:00 AM Morguhn Sheridan v. Llywelyn ap Gruffydd
1:00 PM Morguhn Sheridan v. Simon de Montfort
3:00 PM Marquee match: Morguhn Sheridan v. William Marshall, best of 5

Feast specials:

Caer Cinniuinit Oyster Stew
Prime Rib
Kathryn's Sausage Casserole
Roasted Brussel sprouts (Martha Stewart Recipe via Meirwen)
Betty's Lemon Bread
Fudge Brownies
Eggnog Milkshakes via Jack NMI Glenn
Cardhu
Pepsi (1974 recipe)

Featured entertainment: Stan Rogers, singing "Witch of the Westmoreland"

Please note--Morguhn Sheridan, please pick up your birthday thoughts at the scribes table before feast today so we can make room.
meirwen_1988: (Default)
1. Duchezz was installed as Matron of Winfield Chapter #418, Order of the Eastern Star of the State of New York last night. Her Patron, who is a friend of ours, and was a friend of Morguhn's, disappeared just as he was to be installed, and reappeared dressed as a knight, complete with crested helm, coif, halbrek, chausses, mantle, and ceremonial sword (he borrowed them from his Scotish Rite [the Shriners] temple), in order to "Make Right Worthy Loie feel more at home." It was a wonderful, touching, funny gesture, especially since the day before he fell Morguhn had decided he would join our Chapter so he could be Patron with her. The mantle was even green.

2. I got my report (I'm the chapter historian) written and delivered. Four pages, single spaced, and no one ever complains it's too long, so I guess I must be doing something right. Of course that meant no school related work got done yesterday between 3 and chapter. And we ran very long, so no work got done when I got home. I either need a longer pipe on my snorkle or to just inhale the damn water and get it over with.

3. Had a conversation of sorts, small one, with someone who has been thoughtless and unkind lately, about that thoughtlessness and unkindness. It is a start, but I am not hopeful. The most tangible result of the conversation was a nightmare that was clearly, directly, connected.

4. I'm fairly convinced I have angered two ladies, one across the continent and one somewhat closer, and I'm not sure exactly what I did or how to fix it. :-(

5. Fairly convinced I am not only suffering from clinical depression but that its shopping buddy paranoia has come along for the trip.

6. Tomorrow comes the great stove adventure. The delivery people "don't coordinate with third parties" and the gas company "would have been happy to coordinate when we called, but we "didn't give us a time range then." Um, because ... oh, never mind. *Sigh*

7. I would really, really, really like to remember what fun is--fun without interpersonal dramah undertones, awkward revelations, guilt about squandered time....Maybe in December. I can hope.

8. By the way--you all have saved my sanity for the last 14 months. Thank you.
meirwen_1988: (Torn)
Went to work and faked it pretty good. Did cancel my first class. Just couldn't.

Shopped for food, bought too much. $$ out of control always a symptom when I'm...not right.

Came home and made dinner. Chili from scratch, carrot and jicama salad, guacamole (but not as good as Hamish's. But then, no one's is as good as Hamish's), corn chips.

Later, if I think it's safe, maybe a Woodchuck, probably during Big Bang Theory. Didn't realize what episode of NCIS it was until too late. I didn't need to see Gibbs mourning his wife and daughter.

I'm going to try to grade, do class prep, but I think if in the morning the fog is still there I may just take the day. Lay in bed, grade, prep, try to get my head where it needs to be to earn the paycheck they cut me every two weeks.

They were talking today on NPR about PTSD. Talking about a whole generation of young Americans who have it, what the symptoms are. I should have listened to Hawk.

Today a young girl came to my door. My student, and my office mate's. She wanted to tell me she wouldn't be in class this week. You see, we had a horrible fire in town last night. One of those wretched buildings too common in cities where bribes let them slip past code, buildings full of desperate people, living lives, to paraphrase Thoreau, of quiet desperation. A twelve apartment building. Three stories. A total loss. In each of four apartments, a tenant died. Her father was one of them. I said all the right things, with great sincerity. I knew what I should feel. I didn't. But I knew how to offer her comfort, how to make her know I heard her, and how to make her know I respected her suddenly fractured life. But I felt...nothing. Every death, every loss this year that has befallen someone I care about, is written in the book of my memory, but I realize now that I went through the motions. It didn't "register" inside in that way I think it would have if I were "right."

I think I have taken refuge in an anesthetized mental haze. Sometimes feeling starts to rise up and I smash it down, reaching for the "punch-drunk" state I think I've been in for most of the last 365 days. Can I take credit for strength, or poise, or any of the traits that have been ascribed to us in the last year if, in truth, I am just numb and have enough social education to know what I should do, what I should say, what mask I should wear in the situation?

I don't know.

Tomorrow I am going to put on the green t-shirt I haven't worn in 365 days. The last thing he saw me wear. And Thursday I will decide whether to move the ring and bracelet. For all their flaws, and stupid social rules, there is something to be said for the Victorians, something to be said for social rituals embraced by the society, a set of signs to say "this is where I am, what I can bear, what can be allowed." We don't have that. I don't know if it would make things easier--certainly I've been known to chafe at social convention with the best of them--but right now, I wish we had them. Because right now, I don't know what mask to wear.
meirwen_1988: (happy duke)
Because today we used some of his work gift(in the form of a gift card with an impressive amount of $$ on it) received while he was still here, "for 25 years of loyal service to Upstate Office Equipment," and went to the Day Spa at Turning Stone.

We felt pampered. He'd have loved that--and that he made it possible.

Tomorrow is not the 21st of September. It is not the 23rd of September. It is that Sunday in September. The fireman are having their breakfast. The Wiggle-Waggle-Walkathon is happening in Sherrillbrook Park.

Do me a favor? NO ONE get on a F**king ROOF tomorrow.
meirwen_1988: (happy duke)
Please feel free to cross-post:

Duchesses Rowan de la Garnison and Meirwen uerch Owein happily announce that the Duke Morguhn Sheridan Memorial Tournament will be held Saturday, September 12, at Summer's End in the Canton of Beau Fleuve.

The tournament will be a weapons proficiency tournament, with individual winners for each form list (sword and shield, single weapon, pole arm/long weapon, and two weapon) and an overall champion. Every entrant is required to bear the favor of his or her inspiration in the tournament and to show the favor to the Mistress of the Lists to register. You do not have to identify the giver of the favor.

The tournament will be held, rain or shine. Come! "Fight for the honor, and fight for the glory...Fight with your heart...."

Why, some might ask, in Beau Fleuve. There are many reasons. He was crowned there, he stepped down there, he received his Pelican there. And Summer's End, 2008, was the last event he attended. He had a wonderful day of fighting and friendship. Let us do the same, this year.




Quiet day

Jul. 3rd, 2009 12:56 pm
meirwen_1988: (Default)
After the delightful yesterday of talk and laughter and good food, today is quiet. I am, as usual on Fourth of July weekend, watching Gettysburg. I usually watch part of it on the 2nd, part on the 3rd, and finish on the 4th.* This year, I missed the second (see delightful day above), so I'm getting the a big brain deluge today. I just finished the Battle for Little Round Top and visited John Bell Hood in the field hospital.

I think the reason I watch it every year is that more than any other war film I've ever seen (and I've seen a lot) it makes war itself something heartbreaking. More importantly, Maxwell's Gettysburg re-affirms the basic decency of human beings, even nobility, even while showing that even the best of men can make horrible mistakes with devastating consequences--but that those mistakes do not change the fundamental decency or value of those who make them. It is, ultimately, a movie optimistic about the human spirt and, as Chamberlain would say, the inherent value of every human being, and that I think is why even the heartbreak of Pickett's Charge can't make me turn away from it.

Added a bit later in the afternoon )


The morning began with hearing the NPR voices I know and love read through the document that begins "We hold these truths to be self-evident..."; now I am watching courage and conviction; I will spend my evening with friends from my youth, singing and laughing.

May your day, your holiday, give you as much satisfaction.

And for those of you going to Glenn Linn, where I spent part of last year's holiday weekend--fence, giggle, and drink some rum or Scotch. He would.
meirwen_1988: (tea comfort)
In retrospect, starting the morning by watching the Santos election episode of The West Wing, followed by the beginning of "Requiem" from the same season, which begins with Leo's funeral Mass, may not have been the best way to start the day.

Or perhaps, it was, since I never got the Mass I needed for him. We make those sorts of contracts with the Divine--to honor the wishes of others, as we wish them honored for us. Perhaps, after all, it was the way to start the day--a piece of what I needed, if in a form as unconventional as our lives were. Perhaps there is a rightness in it.
meirwen_1988: (Duchess)
Please Cross-post or share this information as seems good to you, especially those of you in Ansteorra, East, Ealdormere, Mid, West, etc.

With the kind permission of Their Sylvan Majesties Maynard and Liadain, a Fete in Honor of the Life of Morguhn Sheridan, Dragon of AEthelmearc, will be held at this coming Pennsic War, in AEthelmearc Royal Encampment, on Sunday, August 2, starting at dark and going until we stagger home.

The talents of anyone who wishes to assist in this undertaking as bard, cook, or brewer/vintner should contact Meirwen uerch Owein, Duchess and Viscountess by the hand of Morguhn Sheridan, at condessa99@gmail.com.

It will be a night of laughter and tears, song and silliness as we celebrate a man whose life was filled with all four--often with a sword in hand.

Solemnity

May. 24th, 2009 10:46 pm
meirwen_1988: (Thoughtful)
This morning at Mass, in case we didn't make it tomorrow, they added some things in honor of Memorial Day.

Some of the active, reserve, and retired military in the parish came in uniform, brought in the flag, and then did the ceremony of folding the flag, with a member of the VFW explaining what each fold meant. It was beautiful and thoughtful.

Then the veterans, and one of the Gold Star mothers, laid the wreath at the base of the church flagpole. As we were singing "God Bless America" outside on the lawn, led by the choir, a bunch of bikers went by. As they rode past us they rev'd their engines, hard. At least two of them were Harleys (I wasn't looking, but nothing sounds like that except a Harley). Some of the congregation got all frowny. Those who know better, including the ones in uniform, smiled. We know what that sound meant.

One of the Honor Guard was clearly on active duty. I wonder if he's an ROTC teacher, or maybe a recruiter. He was in his dress uniform. I spoke to him once--the first Sunday I went to Mass after Morguhn's death. He was the man who drove the ambulance that day. Who was assertive and businesslike that Sunday evening--all about the business, and getting it done, and done right.

That Sunday morning two weeks later when I spoke to him he was quiet-spoken, kind, and compassionate.

He was dressed in blue today, a bright red stripe down his trouser leg. His jacket belted tight, his brimmed cap gleaming white.

I think Lt. Col. Jack NMI Glenn, USMC, was doing his best to take care of his youngest son that day. He sent us a Marine.
meirwen_1988: (Bride)
There are a dozen beautiful long-stem roses on my desk--11 white, one red.
Dinner tonight is yummy French toast made with the bread we bought at the Mennonite's store.
I'm off to buy Duchezz a card, and a piece of jewelry for me (she already got her prezzie).
I miss you.

May 4, 1991

And from May 4, 2008 (when Himself was at Grand Lodge)
9:24 PM update from The Boy in NYC: He just called from the intermission here http://www.nymasons.org/cms/divas_with_heart_Ticket (it's been sold out for awhile--don't be confused by the matinee line--that's for the added show). On their way down one of the mucky mucks called him on his cell and said he had some extra tickets, so himself is hanging out with the charitable crowd, watching Chaka, and Patti, and waiting for Diva Diana. I'm glad for him. He's all excited. He's so cute.


meirwen_1988: (Strive)
The monsters of grief and loneliness are scratching at the door, but I'm resolutely keeping the door shut. I don't have time right now to let them in, deal with them, in the face of everything else that must get done, attended to, finished.

Dropped the car off at the glass place to get the windshield replaced. Damn gravel trucks.
Glass place is near the body shop where the Buick currently is sitting, sans grill and right front panel. It looks sad.

Duchezz finished her new shield per Crown list requirements. This has been very hard on her--he always made her shields. Fixed her armor. Coaxed, bullied, cajoled her into taking care of her kit. She is doing it herself now, and it is hard, so very hard. He was hers from the time she was 19. She is being strong, and brave, and putting on a smiling face. More than half her life fell from that roof and, in a moment, was gone. She's astonishing in her strength, but no one should mistake her bravery for ease.

Having trouble focusing. I know why. But knowing doesn't mean allowing the spiral to grab me by the throat and pull me down. I can't. I won't.

To work--of many kinds.
meirwen_1988: (Duchess)
...though I'm not sure how he'd feel about the casting, even if he did love Altered States:

ROBIN HOOD
According to The Hollywood Reporter, William Hurt has climbed aboard Ridley Scott's untitled Robin Hood film for Universal and Imagine.
Russell Crowe stars in the retelling of the origins of the legend's key characters. Cate Blanchett will portray Maid Marian, and the project, written by Brian Helgeland, also includes Scott Grimes, Kevin Durand and Alan Doyle as the Merry Men.

Hurt plays William Marshall, the Earl of Pembroke, a historical figure who was one of the most powerful men in Europe. Marshall was a servant to the Plantagenet kings and one of the best jousters of the era. Production is underway in the U.K.

meirwen_1988: (Default)
November 21, 2008, December 21, 2008, January 21, 2009, February 21, 2009, today

The last post of the life I loved, six months ago today )

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